| Finding a balance | |
| To find an equilibrium point in life- work n leisure, family n friends, social n personal... Still searching. Still learning. Still growing. | |
Some scribbles of thoughts Some doodles of mind Some sketches of life Some jottings of feelings |
Saturday, November 27, 2004 suddenly i felt a feeling of void. everything seems does not matter anymore. had a fleeting sense that no point clinging on anything since everything is impermanent. it's a bit scary to know i have this thought, but also a little wonder how i could so easily look beyond everything and decide it doesn't matter. it actually feels good. sometimes i m a passionate person, but sometimes i realize i can be too rational and logical. yesterday, got to know about many things that happended, all in the same time. i guessed, bad things do not come alone. maybe, that is the only way to test the endurance of ppl. and surprisingly, as i was facing my own problems, i realized at the same time my loved ones and the ppl i care are also facing crisis. maybe because it is the reason that my loved ones are facing problems and i want to help, i decided to not to look at my own problems first, and try to understand their situation and help them. i realized, the moment i put aside my own problems, there is a feeling of peace, a feeling of calmness that even scared myself. i was surprised at my own calmness when listening to their problems. this morning when i took a walk in my neighbourhood, i noticed that all i care at that very moment is the things that are happening around me. the children in the field, the old couple talking, the empty trees and the cold air. i just decided to enjoy the moment, and think about nothing else. that was a fruitful walk. not that i gained more insights or enlightenment or something, but i found peace in my heart in that morning. talked again on phone just now and found things have at least got better back there. i pray for the tranquility in their hearts, i pray for their well beings. actually i felt a little sorry for not knowing the problems earlier, i could have rendered some help. anyway, i felt very happy to know that at the moment they need help the most, there are actually people, students and teachers and friends, that provide unrelentless love and support. i m grateful to their loving kindness and pray for their well being in life. i shall take the time to really talk through with them when the govt exam is over. have faith that they can go through this together, as a family, as a group of people who care about one another. namo amitabha. posted at 16:46
Thursday, November 25, 2004 It suddenly occurred to me the truth about impermanence in life. I have been studying Buddhism, I have been well informed about this fact and I acknowledged it; I have experienced events in life and have had a grasp about it – from achievements to unlucky events, from happiness to grief, and yet, until now, I think I am still not able to really let go of the mundane happenings in human realms. I remembered telling my friends about letting go things, about being calm when facing anything in life. I realized, to say is one thing, to be able to practice them is a totally different job. Have I been able to do what I preach? I looked to my inner self and realized, sadly, no. I am still clinging onto things in life. I cried over things that happened; I grieved over sadness. I could not let so many things in life, so many things I care for in life. Did some soul searching, and realized I still have so much attachment in life. My family, my friends, my love, my memories. I know they are all impermanent. And I know the only thing that is certain in this world is the uncertainty. Am I able to let go all of them, if a day has come for me to do so? I thought and thought, and realized, I still can’t. Sometimes I thought about death, and I could not help myself from crying. I have to be frank with myself, I have actually thought about the possibilities of my family member dying and trying to decide what I should do, it always ends up with a wet pillow and a sleepless night. I have thought about my friends and love leaving me, and I will be alone ever since, the thoughts hurt so much. I have even thought about my own death, and realized I am just another small person in this big world which does not really matter that much anyway. My rational self analyze my own crazy thoughts like these and diagnose myself with a feeling of insecurity, and low self-esteem. I analyze myself as someone who lack self confidence, and seek solace in other’s company, other’s approval and support make me strong. And I realized if one day my family is gone, I might have a serious breakdown. Sometimes I wondered what kind of person I am. I can be extremely rational sometimes. But on the other hand, I can be incredibly emotional at times. I realized I have always been trying to balance things, trying to find a balance and equilibrium among things. Almost in all cases, I have always failed to achieve equilibrium. Finding a balance, I glanced at this blog title. I have not found it. Like my usual self, when I want to analyze things and contemplate, I write. This would be another piece of ravings of mine. From my own thoughts and writings, I hope I have found something that I tried to search. Inner self equilibrium. Peace. posted at 23:45
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